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birthday party and other songs

by briallyn

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1.
today i cried in the therapist's office i wouldn't tell her why it was because i felt weak but if we share a cigarette can i lean on you for a while and rest my tendons because i can feel their hands on me their hands which dug under my skin and pried apart my bones to peer inside i can't remember how my parts went together before my limbs hang heavy and my ribcage is open wide like the branches of a tree attempting to embrace the fog so put your arm around my shoulders and take me home please promise I'll be okay in the end even though I know you can't fix me they asked me if i was okay i forced out a "yes" and its what i've been saying ever since that first time i lied for you until i'm not sure what's a lie and what's the truth i've been lying for men my whole life but i can't go on like this my hands curled into fists at my sides taught myself to keep everything inside locked away to keep you safe some things have never seen the light of day but right now i'm breaking chains with every line and every word i say though I know many won't understand my song i hope you few can sing along to live another day and chase the monsters in your bed away the memories in your head that stay and shake you awake to the blackness of an empty room and memories of the sun fade away when an artist bleeds, the soul to feed but you must say to those voices not today, not today
2.
when i sit in the bath tub, my skin swells and wrinkles. i look at my hands and think about death. i look at my scars and think about forgiveness. i'm so stressed that i can't sleep. i'm so tired and i can't eat. going to spend the night with you feels like meeting my executioner. i don't want to avoid you but i can't just tell you the truth; that i think you're perfect but the pain you cause aint worth it
3.
in that house full of ghosts, we touched each other's skin and they watched, disapproving but i couldn't let you in, should never have let you in i know how to take and i'm always expecting more but i'm hopeless at giving, i always just stare at the floor i'm always just staring at the floor i don't regret what i did, it's too late to change the ending i don't recognize the feeling of loss or freedom all i know is that i don't know anything and there's no way to know what's coming but i didn't leave you, my love left me all i did was break up with who i used to be because i'm not who i used to be mum didn't take me to the doctor's until it was too late and i'd already self-medicated with cigarettes and self hate and i'm sorry you weren't to me what i was to you we were never good at talking on the phone i have all his messages locked, i asked you to leave me alone and then i left you alone i'm sorry i disappointed you, you know i disappointed myself, too
4.
i know it meant nothing, but to me it meant everything i know it meant nothing, but to me it meant everything and I know that's a cliche but I just can't make these feelings go away you like being my friend, could we just play pretend you like being my friend, could we just play pretend do you imagine me and you, cos i imagine us too do you imagine me and you, cos i imagine us too me and you in my head, you are running and you can feel the planet (earth) spinning in my head, you are running and you can feel the (earth) planet spinning
5.
it is very very true that i am very infatuated with you my feelings are a mess but i know i want to know you all the way through you don't have a middle name but you've got another last name in between we both lie about our favorite colors, yours is crimson but you say that it's green i'm so fatigued we stay up midnight but i don't care about tomorrow because you sweeten the pain that i was never able to swallow you sweeten the pain in my throat
6.
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about

my first ever song, and a couple more
kind of sad, kind of cute
really immature

credits

released June 17, 2014

highly inspired and encouraged by Cole Wharton

license

Some rights reserved. Please refer to individual track pages for license info.

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about

briallyn California

briallyn rose // 24 // bay area ca

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